My Testimony God’s Hand in My Life

My Testimony

 

My childhood home was very different from anyone I have ever know, especially considering the time in which it took place. My mother was a single mom with 3 children. When I was about 7 she joined a missionary group. The schedule was a few months of class room type training and then a missionary trip, the first year we went to Mexico and passed out Bibles, it was winter and I don’t think we saw any children with shoes. The houses where more of a hut than a house with dirt floors and one outhouse for the block to share. It was sad and miserable, we were camping in tents, in the rain, and the water had to be boiled with bleach before we could drink or cook with it. FYI…the bleach taste doesn’t quite go away, yuk! I hated this trip, and I learned a lot. My mom would always be poor and we would never have excess, but our definition of poor was nothing compared to most of the families we saw in Mexico.

The following year, this time in the summer, we went to the Yukon, and up into Alaska. This was an entirely different experience, we stayed in churches that helped sponsor the trip and in the homes of families from the churches. Besides, we could drink the water – a big plus. Both trips consisted of 2 bus loads of people, we drove the entire way. In Alaska, we saw a black bear and her cubs cross the road. We hiked in a few areas along the way, but what most impressed me were the glaciers. Unless you stand in front of one you can’t really understand. Pictures, movies (HD, 3D), nothing can fully capture the experience. I didn’t really understand their “mission” in the Yukon, they went and spoke to people. It didn’t have much of a connection to me like passing out bibles did.

We didn’t stay with the missionary group much longer, we settled down, started a new school, etc. life has a way of continuing. We grew up poor, in an area where almost everyone was rich. I had friends here and there, up until about 6^th grade. I am not sure what happened other than I was the girl that was picked on by the boys, and then the girls avoided me like the plague. I went home crying regularly, I can’t even describe what I felt. Now we know that bulling is not okay, but not then, I was blatantly picked on in class and the teacher made a point to look the other way.

I came to Christ when I was about 13, I was baptized and I gave Him my life. Truly and Completely!

And then came my teen years, I started high school and I wasn’t the gross girl being picked on anymore, my life changed, people liked me. I wanted people to like me. I went my own way and didn’t think much of Jesus. I always believed that Jesus died for me, I never stopped believing everything the Bible says was true, I just didn’t live up to it or care to, for a great many years unfortunately. Honestly, I felt like I had time and I could come back to the Lord later, right now I just want to live my life. I wasn’t a bad person, I just was not following God. I felt I was safe. God was good to me, to give me the time, but I have paid a price, I would not advice this type of thinking.

I did have a few experiences when I was in high school that I think were very important to building me into who I am today. We went to a Christian Family Camp in the summer. I guess I should mention that I had become a very rebellious teen, at about 14. I was defiant and had a lot of built up hatred, and fear. Only I was so stubborn I put on the strong (bad attitude) face and thought I could take on the world. My mom had me do a little counsel session at camp with the youth leader, through this I discovered that I was extremely angry at my step dad. He was an abusive alcoholic, and though he never hurt me, as a child it hurts to see those you love being hurt when there is nothing you can do but sit and watch. I remember hatting him, like where I wanted to kill him… it hurts my heart now to admit that. With the help of the youth leader I realized that I needed to forgive this man, and that I could. I prayed to God, I told the Lord that I forgive and I felt a weight, literally this heaviness lifted off me. It was an amazing experience. I learned in a very personal, and tangible way that forgiveness has power and unforgiveness hurts. Don’t think I only forgave him once, I had to forgive this man repeatedly throughout the years. Over the next couple of years, the youth leaders and fellowship of this camp made a very real impact on my life in a lot of little ways. The last year the leaders had a little parting gift for each of us. They put a leather cross necklace around our neck and gave us each a personal prayer, they prayed over me that I would have strength. This always stuck with me in a very deep level, it maybe that it worked with my stubbornness- thinking I could take on the world.  God works through and in all things.

Moving on, my teens and twenties were very typical for someone living with her back turned away from God. At 24 I was a single mother, my son is a treasure. By 30 I had a beautiful precious daughter, at least this guy was willing to stay and be a dad to both of my children. We were engaged about a year later and married about four years after that.

Then life took us on a roller-coaster that we were not prepared for.

We had a family trauma/tragedy, I’m not sure what to call it and I can’t go into details as there are people that would still be hurt if I did. What it was, was painful, and I fell into a depression. I had never experienced this deep darkness of pain and sorrow. I knew I had to get over this, through this, something had to change I had a family that needed me to be strong and I was hiding in a dark pit. I went to my knees, I cried out to God. I told Him I was mad at Him how could He let this happen, why, why, why!!!  I was in my room on my knees in tears every day for about a week, then it was every other day, I was getting better I was getting stronger. I started to read my Bible every morning. My cries of anger softened into cries for help. I still loved my Lord, I never stopped, I just had been so selfish, such a fool. I can see it all so clearly now, yet then I had put on my blinders, yes, I did it to myself willingly. I finally repented and worked to come back into a right relationship with Him.

About a year into this I was doing better, although my marriage was not, my husband was not. He had turned to alcohol, while I had turned to God. In a marriage, it is very difficult when you are both suffering deeply through the same hurt. You can’t lean on each other, you share the pain but you can’t help. I struggled on many occasions, were the kids better off here or if I left. I stayed, half expecting he would push me to leaving any day. About this time, I found myself out of work, I didn’t know what I was going to do and it proved very difficult, not to mention discouraging, to land a job. Our finances were running very thin. God put on my heart a very clear call to write. I couldn’t understand, it made no sense to me. I mean, Really! I never even liked English, why would I write and what was I going to write about. I halfheartedly started a couple of things but I wasn’t committed. I didn’t understand and so in the long run I didn’t obey. I found a job, an excellent job a career and it turns out I was good at it, although I know it was the God’s grace, I learned way more than I could on my own in such a short time. God blessed me even though I was not being obedient.

Just a few years later 2009 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. This has been another life changer. In the beginning, I was barely functioning at times I needed help just to shower. I would nap, I called it a “coma sleep” because you couldn’t wake me up, I could hear you, maybe even open my eyes but I could not bring myself out of it, I felt so heavy. I would get to work sit in my chair and cry, it had taken everything I had just to get into my chair and it was only 7:30 how was I going to get though the day. My doctor took me out of work temporally to work on finding a medication that may be helpful. This is only a hope with Fibromyalgia, many don’t find any relief. I was lucky and got back to work about 3 months later. My life however would never be the same. My energy is low, my strength is half of what it used to be. I often sleep all day Sat and then Sun is just gearing back up to go to work tomorrow, almost everything I have goes into work. It is discouraging. And yet it has taught me what is important. I would rather have a messy house and spend an hour helping my kids with homework or playing a game or something. Now don’t get the wrong idea, my house isn’t disgusting, it’s just messy, my husband, mom, and daughter help clean the house, it just will never be what I used to consider clean, but that is okay, it is a happy home! Anyway, who am I to complain when I do very little of the work.

Moving forward, I seem to have one health issue after another, mostly minor things.  2013 I had a hysterectomy, this was not so bad, and helped me feel much better. In 2015 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I can honestly say that cancer was a blessing in disguise. Although, I didn’t see that as I was going through it. It nearly took my marriage. Beating cancer is one of the hardest battles I have fought, and it is not just a physical battle. Cancer creates chaos with your emotions, and the pain it brings to your loved ones is enough to break you. As I write this it is 2017 I have been cancer free for about 1 ½ years. The last few years have been extremely taxing; however, I have grown closer and closer to my Lord and God my Savior, and that has been such a joy and days when I have nothing left I give a few minutes in prayer and I am filled with joy and strength (not always physical strength, mind you). I know the meaning of; “…the joy of the Lord is my strength” Nehemiah 8:10 and it is one of the best things in my life. I hope you have experience this, if not keep drawing closer to Jesus in prayer and His Word.

Let me back up to my husband; he drank for many years, I finally did reach my breaking point, and he knew it. He quit just like that, funny I never really thought or felt that I or our marriage was important to him, yet when it came down to it he chose us and me over everything else. Yes, he has fallen off the per-verbal wagon a couple of times. Overall, he is doing very well, and I am so very proud of him. Now I have my marriage and my life partner back. Best of all he has now given his life to Jesus too. I am blessed, blessed beyond belief. The last 2 plus years have been challenging, yet, they have also done a lot to heal our marriage and family. Although, I will warn you that healing usually brings pain first. It is an arduous process, and we got a lot worse before we got any better. We both have our share of horror stories, that we keep to ourselves.

Currently I have been home with vertigo for six weeks, I woke one Sunday morning dizzy, in prayer I told the Lord, “this is Yours, if You want me sick so be it, I am not going to worry or be upset about it. You are in control and I trust You. My health is Yours.” And I haven’t worried, now my husband on the other hand he is worried, he is still learning what I was going through 10 years ago, I pray it doesn’t take him as long to learn.

The Lord again is asking me to write, and that is why I am here writing. I still don’t understand why, I only know that I want to do His will. So, I write for His glory and I know that He can and will use it for His purpose. For now, this is where my story is. I am eagerly anticipating what the Lord has in store for me. And I am so thrilled to share it with you.

A Note on Testimonies:

A person’s testimony can be their strongest witness to others and their best tool for ministering to others.

I found writing out my testimony to be a difficult challenge. It has also been an excellent experience of growth, faith and remembrance or God’s mercy, patience and provision. I would challenge you to write out your testimony, and if you would care to share it I would love to post it. I have made this page for testimonies where we can all share our stories and grow in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior.

Thank you for reading, and therefore, being a part of my story.

If you would like to share your testimony, please email it to me at  myweaknesshisstrength@gmail.com

I pray God’s amazing blessings on you today!